Developing Emotional Intelligence
When we embark on developing Emotional Intelligence (EI) it is not the EI in itself we are aiming to train.
Even though some leading-edge research proves that intelligence can improved by training, it has not conclusively solved the age-old discussion on nature vs. nurture in regards to intelligence, nor the discussions regarding the appropriate definitions and measurements of intelligence itself.
For practical purposes, we circumvent this discussion altogether and state, based on measured results, that EI competencies can be trained, and capabilities on competency level can definitely be improved.
Competencies
Competencies express themselves in behaviours. We know that someone is competent in a certain area when they demonstrate certain behaviours consistently.
The EI competencies are defined in such a way that the demonstrated associated behaviours are not a matter of ‘all or none’ per competency but of a gradual progression of ability: each competency has four associated behaviours that are scaled to form a progression in order of their intensity, complexity and size of impact.
With each of the competencies, being competent in a level 3 behaviour, for example, implies and includes being competent in level 1 and 2 behaviours but not necessarily in a level 4 behaviour.
To use a maths analogy: being able to solve simple algebraic equations implies and includes the ability to do simple arithmetic, which in turn implies and includes the ability to count, but does not necessarily include the ability to solve quadratic equations.
If we want to learn to solve quadratic equations we first need to be able to count and do simple arithmatic consistently and be at least reasonably consistent in solving algebraic equations. Having established that and being motivated to learn solving quadratic equations, we will move to gaining a theoretical understanding of the concepts and process involved. We will then start practicing in solving those equations and occasionally manage to do so.
We reach competency level only when we solve those equations consistently. Reaching competency level in a certain behaviour does not imply being able to demonstrate that behaviour a full 100% of the time (even a brilliant mathematician can flop solving an equation once in a while 
) but a consistent performance close to that.
Learning behaviours
Learning new behaviours — which is what we do in the process of improving our emotional and social abilities — involves a process in the brain different to that of learning math. An effective strategy for such learning will be more similar to sports training than to classroom learning.
As adults, the set of behaviours corresponding to EI competence has already been developed in one way or another. To use a sports analogy, tennis players that have been playing for a few years have already established — for better or worse — their particular way of hitting the ball.
To improve their game they will first need to become aware of their areas for improvement. Learning to do certain things differently will then also include having to unlearn their ‘old’ way of doing things.
Becoming aware
In most areas in life, knowing exactly what we don't know, is already knowing a lot.
Both in sports and in training of emotional competencies — as in the learning and developing of any other capability — we start by moving from being unconsciously incompetent to being consciously incompetent. Practice then advances us to being consciously competent to eventually reach a state of unconscious competence.
At first, in both cases, we are not aware of what we are doing ‘wrong’. We might have a sense, an inclination or an idea that something is not working the way it should but we can't pinpoint the what, why and how of it.
The first stage of learning involves gaining the awareness of what it is that we need to learn. We will then, for example, know that our backhand stroke is ineffective because the specific movement of our arm does not allow us to direct our full power into the shot.
We have become consciously incompetent.
Developing competence
The step to conscious competence will enfold in few stages:
Initially we will need to find out what the effective way is to move our arm while we hit a backhand.
Knowing that (serial thinking)1 does not yet mean we can do it. We will have to repeatedly practice the move, fine-tuning it till we occasionally do it “just right”. We will then keep practicing — under guidance — until the “just right” becomes consistent.
We will need to test our consistency under different circumstances because, at first, in the heat of the game when we are rushed and stressed, we will tend to fall back to our original way of moving.
This process will move us gradually through the phases of being consciously competent (from the moment we manage to get it “just right”) to becoming unconsciously competent, when the new way of moving becomes our natural default reaction under any circumstances. We are now able to demonstrate the new, learned behaviour consistently.
Brain circuitry
When we were unaware, there was naturally no construct in our brain for the bit of knowledge we were unaware of.
When we were in the process of assimilating the new information, our brain kept trying to connect the new concept or knowledge into our existing maps of neural connections1 till something ‘clicked’ and we were all of a sudden aware of “aha, this is how it is”.
By focusing attention on this new connection we keep it alive and active and by repetition we keep strengthening the connection.
Sufficient attention, focus and repetition, over time, stabilises this active connection and hard-wires it into the neural networks in the brain. At the same time, in the case of physical movements, with sufficient repetition, these movements become embedded in our muscle memory.
Perspective
The question is: how do we become aware, in the first place, of us moving in an unhandy way and of how to move in a way that is more effective, when we don't yet have the brain structure and connections for this awareness?
In the tennis example the answer is relatively simple: we either sit and watch many videos of ourselves playing (and are knowledgeable enough to identify the unhandy movement), or we have a coach for exactly that purpose.
In both cases, we use a perspective outside of ourselves to clearly identify how we do things. The same principle holds for emotional reactions that express themselves as (unhandy) behaviours.
With emotional competencies, even though the principle is the same, the story is a bit more complicated; these involves reactions much more complex than a specific movement (wired into much wider neural networks), that have been formed under a great variety of situations and circumstances (again, many more established connections in the brain but also a much greater variety of expression under different conditions).
Being unconsciously incompetent in this area can take different forms:
- we are not aware of our ‘unhandy’ behaviour;
- we are aware of the behaviour itself, but not of how frequent/intense it is;
- we are aware of the behaviour itself, but not of the impact it has on our environment;
- we are aware of the behaviour itself, but not of the impact it has on our own thinking and functioning, including our work (& relational & social) performance.
The Johari Window is a known tool in cognitive psychology, used to help people better understands their interpersonal communication and relationships.
It is a 2 x 2 matrix on which our attributes and behaviours can be mapped.
| Known to self | Not known to self | |
| Known to others | Arena: Public knowledge. Known to everybody, including the person in question. |
Blind spot: Not known to person in question but known to people around them. |
| Not known to others | Facade: Known only to person in question. Kept private or a secret. |
Not known: Not known because it doesn't exist or because it is invisible from all perspective. |
Many of our “unhandy” behaviours fall into the “blind spot” category, whether altogether or in any of the forms described above.
The only way to become aware of those — to move from unconsciously incompetent to consciously competent, as was the case with the tennis player — is through a perspective outside of ourselves, that reflects how we are seen from the outside.
To create a good, reliable, all-round picture we will usually want multiple sources of observation because each perception on its own will be formed through the lenses of the own mental models of that specific observer.
It takes more than video analysis of movements to accurately describe complex human behaviour, its intensity, frequency and impact.
Choices
Moving from conscious incompetence into the practice needed to become competent requires motivation and choice.
A built-in assumption in the tennis player's story is that they want to become better at what they do. This assumption will not always hold, surely not when it comes to developing emotional competencies.
Depending on our mental models we might think “these things” cannot be changed or that we can't change ours; we might think “it's too much hard work” and is not worth the effort. We might also think “all this soft fluffy stuff, it‘s not for me, it doesn‘t really make a difference anyway”.
Beyond doubting the possibility of change, our ability to change, or both, we are “set in our ways” (literally, they are hard-wired into our brain ) and tend to resist change.
Without motivation and commitment to learning and developing our capabilities, we are not likely to focus the attention needed for the process and won't be able to stick to the practice and repetition necessary to establish real improvements.
Emotional competencies can be developed and the more we practice the easier and more fun it becomes (just like learning to play tennis or a musical instrument, for that matter).
The truth of the matter is: developing these competencies is our ticket to pursuing and coming closer to our own potential, to becoming better at what we do (at work, in relationships and in life in general) and to being more at peace with ourselves, our work and our environment. But from a beginning of the road perspective, it might not feel that way.
Part of the resistance to change is our attachment to “our ways” of doing things. From that attachment, thinking of any of our habits and behaviours as “this is just how I am” is not a rarity.
We are then consciously incompetent and in effect choosing to remain so.
Creating a distance between our less effective behaviours and our self-definition can help us focus our intent on change and development.
Our brains are “[...] pattern-making organs with an innate desire to create novel connections. When people solve problems themselves, the brain releases a rush of neuro-transmitters like adrenalin.”2
Having insights, our own “aha” moments, around how we could be and would like to be, can provide us with the energy and inspiration to sustain continuous practice.
1 More information about the different thinking modes in the brain can be found in The Neuroscience of Learning & Change.
2 From: The Neuroscience of Leadership, David Rock and Jeffrey Schwarts; on the “Strategy + Business” website.
